RETURN OF THE MADGE
Hang out the bunting and crack open a bottle of Lambrini, there’s a new Madonna album ahoy! While us gays get all gooey over Hard Candy, the cynical side of Puffta casts a suspicious eye over all the hype.

MAG HAG
Is there a womens’ or music magazine on which Madonna has not spread her legs all over the cover? The tough nut boxing queen look is tres chic but she’s hardly going to bust out some Fight Club routines in a Chanel number is she? When Xtina did it you had the sense that she probably could knock over a punch bag or at least take on Miley Cyrus.

THE HANDS! MY EYES!
Has Madge not heard of Nivea Visage Age Defying Q10 Plus Hand Cream? It’s not like she couldn’t splash out on a few pots or buy the whole company. Yes, we know ageist granny bashing is not funny, but we still have flashbacks from the Hung Up purple monstrosity. What happened to the shawl wearing, kid’s book writing, child adopting mother earth persona?

BRINGING SEXY BACK
Unfortunately they don’t do refunds. In her latest video, when not battling polymorphous metaphors for climate change, she’s attempting to snog Justin Timberlake, clearly not content with the Tatu-like-tussle with Britney Spears. If Guy Ritchie wants any retaliation antics, we’re free at the weekends.

IDENTITY THEFT
She started off borrowing a musical genre and dance routine from black drag balls with Vogue. Her career has been a catalogue of unit shifting styles ever since. Anyone remember William Orbit? Tick boxes have included indie alternative, kooky electro and gay dancefloor fillers. It was only a matter of time before she turned her gnarly hands to the urban/r’n’b market. Her new ‘I’ll Take America, Ta’ album even includes some token sing-along-in-Spanish. Shameless.

Hard Candy is out 28 April on Warners.