You’re a two timing lousy cheating whore bag and I want my jumper back, OR how to tell if your boyfriend is cheating on you.

Now, maybe asking an Aries to write this isn’t the best idea in the world, fellow rams will know that we are ever so slightly dense at reading subtle signs, or even not subtle signs for that matter, Mister Aries is rather self possessed and knows that he’s the best boyfriend ever and nobody would ever think otherwise. Aries is an ace star sign, although even I will admit we are sometimes rather dense in our thinking and our choice of bois.

Sometimes boyfriends turn out to be dreadful people who don’t stay faithful, maybe he wants someone cuter, younger or richer; someone who listens to his boring stories about his day at work.

Cheating is a nasty business. If you’re not happy in your relationship, talk about it or at least break up face to face. Doing the dirty on someone is really low and if someone does it to you, feel free to make up nasty rumours about the size of their cock. Don‘t worry I‘ll give you a few tips on payback later...

Clue 1 - He wears his favourite underwear all the time
Yes everyone loves their CK’s and when you first started going out he made an effort to always wear nice pants. Hen relationships start to get a bit stale all that effort stops, that’s just the way it is. But he’s started again, those lucky pulling pants are being given an airing. Don’t panic, this might mean he’s just making an effort for you. Just watch out if anything else starts happening.

Clue 2 - He will be secretive about his phone
Going within spitting distance of his mobile will start to wind him up. You defiantly won’t be allowed to answer it or read any messages he gets. In this case there is something going on that he doesn’t want you to know about, if he’s not cheating then he’s probably selling drugs. See if you can spy who’s calling him all the time, make a note of any suspect names, we’ll use them against him later.

Clue 3- There is always a reasons he can’t see you
In the past two weeks four people have left work, his best friend has broken up with her boyfriend, twice, his mum and brother have both had birthday parties and it’s been the annual works party. He swore he’d see you on Friday, then his great grandmothers cat got really sick and he had to go. What these reasons will have in common is that you’ll not be able to tag along because either a) his family don’t know or b) you won’t know anyone involved. You have to be harsh and force your way into his schedule, if it’s innocent he will be able to make time for you and the make-up sex will be hot. If not, things are looking very dicey.

Clue 4- Your Sherlock Holmes act uncovers ‘evidence’
By now you are pretty suspect about the loyalty of your blokey and have started looking through his jeans/coat/car/dustbin/mobile phone. Things to look out for are receipts for restaurants, flyers for clubs you’ve never been to, stolen matches from hotels, pants that aren’t his… And that guy who’s been calling all the time, when he was out at all those events in clue 3, he’s looking like the prime suspect.

Clue 5- Break-up Songs
Usually he’s into cheery pop but suddenly it’s all gloomy songs about breaking up. Alone this wouldn’t be an issue, but by now you’re already well aware all isn’t well. Perhaps now you should confront him, show him the evidence and make a big scene, if things are over perhaps it’s better to quit while you are ahead or go down swinging, rather than clinging on until the bitter end. Of course you could ignore it, maybe you need more proof?
Clue 6- Bad Sex
If your sex life starts becoming less adventurous and less often and he’s never in the mood then something is badly wrong. He doesn’t want to have sex with you because he‘s either tired from doing it with our prime suspect, and/or he doesn‘t want to be with you and doesn‘t have the guts to say so. Even if he is a lousy cheating rat, if the sex is good he’s worth keeping in your book as a last choice shag, but when the sex dies you know he’s useless.

Clue 7- He keeps using someone else’s name
Okay maybe if you’re called Mark and he says Matt that can be a slip of the tongue, everybody makes mistakes. If it’s happening all the time then we should refer to some A level psychology. This is called a Freudian Slip, and what Freud said about them was that people said the wrong thing in situations because they were really thinking about the thing they said. Therefore when he calls out someone else’s name in bed you know that it’s because he is thinking about his other boi, not you. If you’re midway through sex at this point, break his cock, it’s only fair.

Clue 8a- Finding semi-naked lads
You decide to head over to his place early and surprise him only to find some other lad sat on the sofa/lying in bed with very little or no clothes on. More than likely even if there is a reason like ‘he got soaked in a freak rainstorm’ this lad will have the name your soon to be ex boyfriend kept saying in clue seven. You’ve probably just caught them before or after sex. Your options here are pretty limited, beating the snot out of them is technically illegal, plus there are two of them, so it’s probably not a great idea. I suppose you could suggest a threesome to make the best of the situation, either that or walk out without a word thus keeping your dignity.

Clue 8b- Finding another lad in bed with him
Like Clue 8a only turning up a little earlier or later ill keep him on his toes and you might just catch them at it. Not good for your mental state at all, especially if the lad he’s with is a lot better looking than you, or they’re doing something you were never allowed to do, or something that the two of you thought was pretty special.
You’ve examined the evidence, you’ve caught him with his pants down there isn’t really a way this can be anything but bad news. Perhaps you should have seen it coming, but at least now you know. Just walk away, take anything of yours, then forget about him. Seriously, he’s not worth the tears. Either that or you can go home and plan vengeance…

Revenge
Revenge is I suppose dependant on you and what you want to do to get back at him. First of all, it’s pretty worthless going for the lad he cheated with; it’s your ex you want to get back at. It’s a matter of what you think will hurt him the most, if he’s the sort that really cares about what other people think then maybe spreading nasty gossip would be the way to go, either that or if you know his password for gaydar stick up some embarrassing pictures or change a few words around so he gets messages from, shall we say ’undesirable’ people, just make sure you change your password too.

Sleeping with his brother/best friend/new boyfriend is always a classic plan. If you live close by and he has a cat, kidnap is always an option. This plan is of course pointless if a) he doesn’t like his cat or b) you don’t like his cat.

A few words to finish up then, Don’t do anything naughty to get your own back, he‘s not worth getting into trouble with the law over... Anyway he’s a jerk and he’s probably not worth the time or effort!

22.05.06 Sub Editor Rory Michael Smith.